Oh Self Pity, Why Won't You Go Away?

Don't hate the bottomless pit feeling in your stomach that you get when someone tells you some news that you don't want to hear? Like for instance, a friend and I were talking this evening and I asked her if she had talked to a mutual friend of ours (as a matter of fact, I introduced her to him). So, she goes oh, well you know so-and-so has a new lady friend. No, I didn't know, as a matter of fact, I know who the woman is because he would talk about how he didn't like her like that and how when I expressed an interest in him, he pretty much went ghost afterwards. I know I have some run on sentences, but since I'm not in english class, fuck it. Anyway, my heart dropped and I must admit, my feelings were deeply hurt. For one, I was hanging with dude when he didn't have a car and I was the one dropping him off at home. I helped him organize his house, took him christmas shopping and redecorate his bathroom.

Damn, don't I qualify for wifey material?

I guess not because I'm not pretty enough. Let me start by saying this, I don't like to admit this to myself, let alone to other people, but I have the lowest self esteem. It stems from early childhood, when I was teased mercilessly because my hair was so short. I didn't have any control over that, I was only 11 and my mama was still giving me a relaxer and hot comb hairdo (go figure). Then there was situation with my adolescent problem with acne, which has made a comeback in my adult life. I've never felt pretty, well, there was that time for my junior prom. Anyway, I've never really had a boyfriend, just a couple of niggas that lost their way into my bed. When I go out with my friends, I've always been "that girl". You know that girl that gets ignored by the opposite sex. Now, most of my friends will tell you that it's pretty damn hard to ignore me because I'm loud and just silly as hell. Now before y'all go, "well that's your problem", I also have my moments where it's hard to get me to open my mouth. Let's face it, our society has a love affair with aesthetics. I used to say that it's not about looks, but hell it has to be.

Flashback to the origin of the self pity party. I really liked this guy, I made him my child's godfather and I tell you that her father who's in Virginia has seen her more than he has. Maybe I shouldn't have told him how I really felt. I think, as a matter of fact I have cause irrepairable damage to our friendship. I guess the even more fucked up part about this all is that this woman that he's now with started out as his friend. He would always tell me how fine she was and yadda, yadda, yadda......

Love sucks. Being unpretty sucks even worse. I'm going to cut cupid's balls off and hand them to him. Bastard....

Until the next time.........