How Not To Get The Guy

I was watching "How to Get the Guy" last night and I must say, that's some straight bullshit. All that touching on the collar to signal a good night kiss, not for the kid. I'm not a big fan of subtlety. If you want a kiss nigga, lean over and give me one. Why should I have to touch your collar? Anyway, while watching that crap, I decided to come up with a list of things that will surely not get you the guy.

1. You have ugly feet- Ladies if people can't tell your feet from twigs in the yard, go get your shit tapered, okay?

2. Your bra doesn't fit right- All men love jumblies, but not if they look mumbly in your shirt. Order a Playtex 2 Hour bra if the 18 Hour one is too expensive for your taste.

3. You let him meet your play mama/play daddy/play uncle/play cousin: There's no such thing as "play" relatives. Your date will definitely think you are lacking social skills and will not give your ass some play.

4. Your lips are ashy: Vaseline jars runneth over, go get you some. Ain't nothing worse than having sandpaper lips.

5. Your breath stinks: This within itself is self-explanatory. I have one word: Altoids.

6. Your cookilatta (thanks Funkee for the new word) is less than fresh: Soap and water tries its best to eliminate unfreshness, but sometimes a little feminine powder will come to rescue as well.

6. Visible panty lines/thong straps: URRRGGGGHHHH, need I say more?

7. Calling him 24/7: This is definitely not a power move. If he's not calling you back or giving you excuses as to why he's not calling you, then he's not interested. Move on honey......

8. Giving him some on the first date: This is the worst mistake some ladies make. If you like him and he likes you, you will wait to consummate. Don't give it up like the Isley Brothers.....

9. You dress like grandma, mama, or a skank: Again, does this need any further elaboration?

10. You have nothing to offer, but yet you are wanting someone who has everything: This is a loaded statement. Let me clarify, say for instance, you don't have a car, a job, any goals, any dreams, or damn even a bus pass; don't expect to get a man that has all of that.