It was inside that I cried

Actually, it was outside that I cried, but that was what Ce Ce Penniston sang.

Y'all remember her? Good ass house music.............

Anyway, I was reading Essence magazine and came across this article about relationships. Right now I don't know exactly what the details were, but I do remember reading this "If a man doesn't show he loves you in the things that he does, then he doesn't really love you."

That really struck a chord with me.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been going on and on about how things were over between me and sperm donor renamed, but in actuality, they weren't. However, after reading this article, I cried.

I cried for the rest of the day.

I cried in the car.

I cried in the bed.

I cried on the sofa.

I cried talking to my mama about it.

I even cried while doing my nightly set of crunches.

Now you know shit is bad if I'm crying doing my crunches. LOL!

I couldn't stop crying because for the past four years of my life I've been hoping and praying that things between would it improve, but just with anything, bliss is only temporary. He'll do enough to keep my mouth quiet and then it's back to the same old shit.

I've done nothing but be his biggest supporter, defending his intentions with my friends and family. I tried to be understanding of his situation. I know he's going through a difficult time, but damn, don't I deserve something? A little common courtesy? A little phone call every now and then? A little visit from him? I can't get shit out of him. He's always doing for his EX-mother in law, his other daughter, his friends. All I can't get out of him is "you know I love you?"

No, muthafucka, I don't.

You don't treat the person you love like shit. You don't put them up on a shelf and say "they'll still be there when I finish doing what I need to do." I know in life, that shit can get all perplexing and stuff, but damn is it that serious that you just can't communicate with the person that you love? I mean it may not be in that person's personality to talk on the phone everyday. I don't know if that shit is normal or not.


Anyway, I cried and cried, because I finally realized that I'm just not happy and that I need to step back from the situation and go on about my merry way. It's not easy because there are so many other factors that make this whole situation complicated. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I mean, if you love somebody, aren't supposed work things out with them? I spent half of the night crying and asking the Lord, what I'm supposed to do? What do you do with the love that you've given someone for the last four years of your life?

My Top 50

Everybody is doing lists now.

So I being the "biter" that I am, have to do one too. My list consists of the 50 best songs ever recorded.....in my opinion. These songs are in no particular order, so don't email me talking 'bout "that song sounds like shit" or you don't know 'bout music" because I can and I will embarrass your ass on the internet. Believe that patna!

Okay now that that disclaimer has been given, here goes......

1. Prototype - Andre 3000
2. All's Fair in Love - Stevie Wonder
3. Sounds Like a Love Song - Phyllis Hyman
4. Autumn in New York - Billie Holliday
5. Roxanne - Sting
6. If I Could Change The World - Babyface w/ Eric Clapton
7. Send One Your Love - Stevie Wonder
8. Back at One - Brian McKnight
9. Touch Myself - T-Boz (yeah, I like this song, so kiss my ass)
10. Soon as I Get Home - Faith Evans
11. Weakness - Stevie Wonder w/Dionne Warrick
12. Feenin - Jodeci
13. You Will Know - Stevie Wonder (okay, if you haven't noticed by now, I'm the
world's greatest Stevie Wonder fan)
14. Say Yes - Floetry
15. Pretty Brown Eyes - Mint Condition
16. Just Doin My Job - T.I.
17. Spaceship - Kanye West
18. I Hate You - Prince
19. Alone With You - Tevin Campbell
20. Wooo Ha! Gotcha All in Check - Busta Rhymes
21. Ice Cream - Raekwon
22. My Life - Mary J. Blige
23. Hard Habit to Break - Chicago
24. Golden Lady - Stevie Wonder
25. Go - Common
26. So Fine - Mint Condition
27. Lapdance - NERD
28. Don't Speak - No Doubt
29. Strange Fruit - Billie Holliday
30. Long Walk - Jill Scott
31. Monkey - George Michael
32. It's You - Stevie Wonder w/ Dionne Warrick
33. Retrospect For Life - Common
34. Can't Help It - Michael Jackson
35. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
36. That Girl - Stevie Wonder (Okay, okay, I might promise that this is the last
Stevie Wonder song on the list)
37. Butterflies - Michael Jackson
38. The Beautiful Ones - Prince
39. My Way - Jill Scott
40. Get Lifted - John Legend
41. Love Me in a Special Way - De Barge
42. You Put a Move on My Heart - Tamia
43. I'll Never Let You Go - Faith Evans
44. What's Going On? - Marvin Gaye
45. Superstar - Luther Vandross
46. Green Eyes - Erykah Badu
47. Billie Jean - Michael Jackson
48. I Was Made To Love Her - Stevie Wonder
49. Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder
50. Be Sure You're Sure - Stevie Wonder

I just decided to let Stevie have the rest of the list. Damn, that man is a a genius.

All These What Nots.........

I am truly thankful that God has blessed me with a perservering spirit, otherwise I might have ended it all by jumping off the highest curb in Downtown Atlanta. I'm feeling better this week about the demise of a relationship that shouldn't have revived in the first place. I guess it's one of those things where you really can't be upset about something that in your heart you had a few doubts about, but you had the love song turned up on the last notch, so you couldn't hear shit. If nothing else, this whole experience has really made me realize how far fetched the notion of marriage is to me. For some strange reason I keep thinking that I'm just totally un-marryable (I know it ain't a word, but just roll with it). I see my friends who are either engaged or married and wonder "What the hell, did they do to get classified as wifey material?" Shit, I just don't know. Maybe it's because I cuss too much. Maybe it's because I have a few sprigs of facial hair or my booty isn't big enough. I don't know, y'all help me out. Something makes niggas believe that they can treat the Diva like crap. Maybe it's my aura. I might need to buy another one of them. I think that's it, I need a new aura, my old one has faded and looks a little worn around the edges.

Why did he do this again? I hate him...........