The Diva Chronicles - Year End Edition

Well we have made it through another year!

Now it's time to review the good and not so gooder (yes, I meant to say that) things that have happened.

*Ahem* I feel the need to give the following disclaimer:

Do not blame me if for some reason, um, let's say that your name or something close to your name, your mama's name, daddy's name, brother or sister's name, illegitimate brother or sister's name, baby mama's name, baby daddy's name ends up on my year end recap list. Please understand that it is truly coincidental and not intentional. Hell, now that I think about it, I ain't giving out no names unless absolutely necessary

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, we shall now commence to reviewing:

Worst Public Battle in 2004:
Hands down Mr. TP-2.com himself and Mr. I'm - Gonna - Retire - This - Time - For -Real - After - I - Finish - Doing - This - Album - With - These - White - Boys Hova. Damn Jigga, did you have to spray the nigga with mace? All you had to do was just tell his ass to go home to his kiddie harem.

Best Public Battle in 2004:

Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. It's funny because I don't like either one of them, hell, I am not even an avid fan. I wouldn't know either one of these juvenile porn stars if I smelled the breast milk still on their breaths. Anyway, I find the shit hilarious between them. I know it's a gimmick set up by both of their publicists, but just to see these two go at it is just funny as hell, because I'm like, y'all broads ain't even old enough to count your own damn money. Ha, ha, ha!

Best Comeback Attempt in 2004:

Teena Marie, hands down. This broad took some hot wax and molded her face back together, signed with Cash Money records, and made an album that (although I would not purchase in the store, I would however pay the $5 bootleg price) was halfway decent.... considering.

Worst Comeback Attempt in 2004:

Destiny's Child. Damn, Beyonce is a solo star, don't these other two heffas realize that? Kelly needs to make her next solo attempt more palatable to the ears and Michelle needs to learn how to walk.

The Nigga That Needed His Ass Whooped in 2004:

Umm, this one is a tie. I would have to say B.u.s.h and Kanye West. Let's start with B.u.s.h. You stole the election in 2000 and you convinced the people in Ohio that they voted for you. You fucked up the economy, lied about the WMD's, told Condoleezza Rice that her new hairdo was the shit, dropped the dog, and sent innocent military men and women over to Iraq to die for oil. I am so sickened by your actions, that I can't even find words to fit you.

Kanye West. Yes, you are a good producer, but your rhymes suck. I love your album, but I do not think you are the world's greatest gah damn rapper. Get off of your own genitalia man!

The Heffa That Needed A Reality Check in 2004:

Hmm, that would have to be Halle Berry. You can't keep a husband, you can't drive, after stripping for Monster's Ball, all of your movies have sucked. Get a clue Halle! You need therapy.

The Most Highly Anticipated Album, But Biggest Disappointment in 2004:

This distinction is awarded (with a heavy heart) to Jill Scott. I love, love, love you, but hate, hate, hate the album. It seemed like you weren't focused and lacking the wonderful lyrical content that dominated and made me love your first cd. Oh Jill why?

The Best Reason To Watch TV in 2004:

Extreme Home Makeover. Hands down. I swear I cry everytime I watch that show. It's great to see people helping people in their time of need. Giving unselfishly and expecting nothing in return. I love this show.

Worst Reason To Watch TV in 2004:

Any damn reality show.

Worst Trend in 2004:

iPods. I dont' know what the hell they are so therefore they qualify as the worst trend.

Best Trend in 2004:

Umm, I can't think of any. If you know of some, send them to me and I'll give you full credit.

The Nigga Who Needed To Shut His/Her Ass Up in 2004:

Bill Cosby. Just shut the @#$% up! You want to crusade and make us all aware, but you're doing it the wrong way. I agree with what you say, but in my opinion this is bullshit you should've been speaking on years ago when you had your plush little status in life. Punk ass.

Greatest Loss in 2004:

B.u.s.h. being reelected. How oh how, did we let this happen?

The All Time Best in 2004:

My little Peanut turning 2. Awwwwwwwww.................


That's all because I'm getting hungry and it's time for lunch. See y'all next year!

Somebody Stop Me..........No, Really Pt. II

Jim Carrey would be so proud of me!

Okay y'all here goes my latest dilemma....I am such a loser.

Let me explain; yesterday at work, this guy that I've been conversing with for a while finally gave me his number. I mean it was weird the way it happened and stuff. I've been whining to my sister about how I want this dude to give me his number, but I personally, have never had the guts to tell him that I wanted to call him and stuff. So, basically it's like whenever he comes to my cubicle (which pisses my boss off royally, but y'all know I don't care) I'm trying to use telepathy to communicate with him so that he will give me his number. So, yesterday after we finished talking about Tupac, he left to go answer a call on his cell phone. Defeated once again, I turned around and started looking at all the student loan debt that I've amassed since entering this bullshit called college. A few minutes later, he came back to my desk and said "Well, if you ever want to talk after work, here's my number."

YES, YES, YES! The Diva has made yet another brother bow down and give the digits!

Here comes the sick part....

After getting his number and feeling all elated for a minute, I suddenly stopped wanting his number. I suddenly started thinking about all the current crushes I have going on and realized that I would have to make room in my already cramped psyche to accommodate this latest crush. Suddenly, I started hyperventilating (okay, I'm just kidding about that part).

Then it suddenly hit me, the thrill of the chase is gone.

In my previous posts, I've talked about how I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend and lusting after another one of my friends and how I want to get married. I now know that, I have some issues.

I am a certified commitment-phobe.

Now, I know some of y'all are like "slow down, he only gave you his number" and I know that. However, the problem lies in the fact that once I get what I want from a guy, I pretty much write him off. I'm not just talking sex wise (which is usually with the same dude), but just anything, attention, food (yes, food), affection, conversation. I am quick to dismiss without a second thought. This is the part that scares me. I am so afraid that when I do meet the one person who I could see myself with for the rest of my life, I'll ditch him too once he fulfills my desires at the time in my life. I crave an emotional attachment with no strings attached.

Does that make sense?

Perhaps that's the reason why "Dill" refuses to take our friendship to the next level because detects that "flightiness" about myself. My other friend, well, he could give a damn just as long as I ogle over his poetry (which is extremely beautiful by the way) and promise to bring him some food to his job.

It's all so confusing. I need some Ben and Jerry's Half Baked to help me sort it all out.

TP-2.com

Last night I was listening to that cd and for the life of me, I don't know what in the hell possessed me to ask my dear to purchase that shit for my birthday four years ago. I mean until that cd, I had never thought about purchasing an R. Kelly cd. I was still mad at him for biting poor Aaron Hall's style (c'mon, y'all know Aaron was rocking the bald head and wearing the dark ass shades indoors before R. Kelly's kindergarten dating ass did!). However, I must confess, that I do like the "Feeling on Yo Booty" song. I don't know, it just kind of grew on me. Perhaps the must disturbing part of this all was finally uncovering the mystery behind the title of this album. Now, I know I'm slow, but it wasn't until I was listening to the intro of the cd, that it finally dawned on me, that TP-2.com was revisiting his raunchy ass Twelve Play cd.

BOOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSS!

I know, I know, I'm slow as hell.

Y'all have to forgive me, I never listened to Twelve Play in its entirety. I just remember several classmates in my sophomore year of high school getting knocked up and blaming that cd for their unfortunate fate (WTF?). Anyway, I was like damn, Rra is this what happens when you run out of titles for your cd's? You just start recycling some of your old shit? Damn, should I expect CF-2: The Willie Wonka Edition?

I'm sorry if I offend any R. Kelly lovers out there (all those that are old enough to reach the keys on the computer with the use of a booster seat). It's just that I hate when people rant and rave over somebody who isn't all that talented. He's alright, but damn, folks be trying to make him seem like he's Otis Redding or something. Women, all falling out and shit at his concert because he took his shirt off. He ain't all that fine either. As a matter of fact, he looks like a monkey.

Now if you show me some Aaron Hall, you got yourself some moist panties.

I'm not lying either.

What In The Hell?

I just got an email from one of my friends saying that Kelly and Beyonce were kicking Michelle out of the group and were going to be holding auditions for new members.

What in the hell?

Who in the fuck wants to be in a group where they change members like draws? Damn, Beyonce and them will lay you off faster than American Airlines - and won't give you all of your unused vacation pay either.

However, I think what I find more amusing than them supposedly dismissing Michelle; are some of the singers who are reportedly interested in joining the group.

Dawn Robinson - Damn, if EnVogue and Lucy Pearl didn't want your ass, what makes you think DC wants you? Besides aren't you too damn old and that labret piercing in need of cleaning?

Tamyra Gray - Although she's hometown peoples, I just don't think she has any business trying out to be no Destiny Child. Besides she can sing and we know DC don't allow singing heffas in the group. While everybody's talking about how Michelle can't sing, must I remind everybody of Kelly's bad live performance with Nelly (remember that lame ass Dilemma song?) on one of the eight million music award shows two years ago?

Tarralyn Ramsey - One question: Who is the hell is she?

See groups ain't like they used to be. Remember Zhane, SWV, Jade, and all of the other broads? They knew their limits. They made two albums and then called it quits (well except for SWV, they made three). I think they should go back to that two album rule for girl groups. I mean besides these honier than thou negroes who still listen to Destiny's Child, who in the hell cares about them? Beyonce has a successful solo career and Kelly, well it's a good thing she's marrying that NFL player, because her album went straight "Platnone" (to anyone who purchased Kelly's cd bootleg, I offer my sincere apologies). I'm sorry if I sound harsh, then again no I'm not.

Here's my disclaimer:

* And no, according to popular belief, I am not hating on these broads. I don't give a damn about what supposedly goes on in their group. I personally think that the shit is funny and no I don't wish I looked like Beyonce or Kelly or Michelle for that matter. I don't want their damn money or their fame. I am simply commenting on this bullshit*

In closing, I don't always believe everything that I see on the internet or via email. However, if the shit is true, then it's fucked up. Then again, I don't really give a damn.

P.S. Dawn, I didn't mean to talk about your labret piercing. That was very mean of me.

Steering in the Right Direction

I tell you people, only the following shit that I'm about to tell you would happen to me..........................

Monday night, my sister's car was broken into and the would be dumb ass thieves tried to hijack the car from the parking lot by jamming the ignition switch with some object. Well, when that didn't work, the Rhodes scholars then proceeded to try and hot wire the car to make it start. Needless to say, the idiots still didn't succeed in making the hot wire action work either. So in an attempt to save face,I suppose(since they'd probably told their boys that they were going to steal a car that night), they then tried to steal the radio.

Ummm, they didn't get that either.

So basically, these assholes went through all of this dumb shit in attempt to steal an '88 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. The radio they tried to steal was even the factory radio. It didn't have a cd player or even a working cassette player for that matter. All these morons did was just fuck up the switch.

Which brings me to my current story.................

Well, yesterday, my dear old Dad, tried to replace the switch on the car. I was outside helping him in almost zero degree weather to help him get it on there. He had to disassemble the steering wheel in order to get the switch on of course. I noticed while he was trying to secure the bolt on the steering wheel, he kept saying "something's not clicking". Me, being the nonchalant person that I am, paid no attention to what he was saying. So, he eventually finished putting the steering wheel back together and everything was copasetic.

Wrong.

This morning when I started to back out of the parking lot at my sister's apartment complex, I noticed that the steering wheel made a loud "popping" sound as I turned. Again, I thought nothing of it. I assumed it was nothing to be concerned about. So as we're driving along, the steering wheel continues to make this popping noise. It wasn't until we were a few feet away from my mama's house, that the steering wheel lost all contact with me. To give you an example of what happened, it felt like riding a bicycle with handlebars that just swiveled and had no connection with the wheel.

Now most people would've been scared shitless, but not me and my sister. We thought the shit was pretty amusing. I mean people were trying to figure out why I was turning the steering wheel but not going anywhere. Luckily I was able to make onto my parent's street where they live and lo and behold my daddy was coming up the street on his way to work.

God is good all de tam! Aaaaaaaaaaamen!

So, my daddy fixed the steering wheel and NOW everything is copasetic. Now if I could just get my car back on the road so I won't have to keep using my sister's car....

Just A Friend

You know what sucks worse than an old lady giving head without her dentures?

Being thrown into the "friend pile".

I know I've said this before, but after this weekend, it just reinforced my immense sadness at not having the remote possibility of being anything more than just a friend. I went out with my "friend" (we'll just call him Dill) who I have adored since forever (okay, for a little over 4 years now) to IHOP. We met up with our mutual friend (I'll discuss the fine delicacy of this mutual friendship later) and her sister there. When I got to Dill's house, I didn't even want to touch him because I didn't want him to feel my obvious attraction to him. However, he did give me a much desired and needed hug. Anyway, while on our way to to IHOP, we just talked about stuff and listened to the new Nas double CD (which is the bomb by the way). When he would say stuff like "I know you're going to like this right here." It really made me blush, because he knows me so well. When we arrived at IHOP, he sat beside me and I kept hoping that he wouldn't notice me blushing the whole time. My friend and her sister were on some other shit and I was really ready for them to get the hell on, but since he invited them to come, there wasn't much I could say.

After we left IHOP, we came back to his house and drank some beers. Okay, correction, I drank some beers and he drank some tea, because he wasn't feeling too well(poor baby!) Anyway, we watched some videos, talked, listened to some music, and eventually fell asleep. Not in each other's arms like I would've liked, but you know things happen for a reason. Anyway, at about three in the morning after I had slept off my Budweisers, I left and went home. A part of me really wanted him to ask me to stay, but alas, he didn't.

It sucks ass being a friend.

Why is it that the one person who has all of the qualities that I want in a man, not want me back? Well, I know that I probably don't possess all of the qualities that he wants in a woman, but still though..................................

Oh, back to our mutual friend. Well, I introduced them back when I was pregnant with Peanut. Big mistake. She doesn't like him, she sees him as just a friend, while he on the other hand is quite smitten with her. I don't even know why I introduced them to each other. Oh, wait a minute, now I remember; I guess since she was with me when I went to his house, I had no choice heh? Shit, this is just the one time that I wish I had've been rude!

After thinking about him non-stop today, a part of me thinks that I shouldn't talk to Dill anymore. It's just too hard for me. I know y'all are like "why don't you just tell him you like him heffa? Well, I already have. Let's just say that he told me that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time, just some draws to get into and so he blew me off. Now most women would say "at least he's being honest" I'm like, read between the lines broads, what he was trying to tell me is that he's just not into me - at all. I must admit that I appreciate the creative way that he told me . It beats being told, "you are tore up from the floor up."

I would sorely miss our friendship though, but on the other hand, I really, really like him too much to keep up this charade. I know that when he gets involved with someone else again, (he was in relationship earlier this year with some 'ol crazy broad) I just don't think my heart will be able to take it anymore.

Damn, life sucks as a friend.

Oh, The Places You'll Go............

You know I never got a chance to read Dr. Seuss's book with this title. Oh, well I guess I'll add it to the list of books that have yet to grace my eyes.

I spent most of my weekend going out and not going out. On Friday, I was supposed to go with some friends to Vision (a hot ass club in the ATL). However by 9:00pm, the number of broads that would be accompanying us had dwindled down to 2, me and my friend. One of my friends cancelled because she had some big ass bump on her nose. Who gives a damn? We'll be in a dimly lit setting anyway. However, by 11:00pm, shit had become an ultimate disaster, resulting in me not going anywhere, wasting gas, and makeup.

Saturday night was the all-important company Christmas party. I got dressed up, got in my car, and walked right up to the door, only to find that muthafucka was locked. Now, I understand that the party started at 7:00pm and I didn't get there until 8:45, but damn, they didn't have to lock a sista out. Well, to avoid wasting another pretty ass made up face, I went to the movies and saw "Closer" with Julia Roberts and Jude Law. Let me tell y'all something. I'm not in to white dudes, I love my Nubian kings, but Jude Law is hot as hell okay? Shit, he made me reevaluate some rules that I have in life. I might have to cross the border to get some of that cream in my coffee. Anyway, I highly recommend the movie, but if you're a prude like me, you may be startled by some of the potty mouth references to sex. Hell, after watching that scene with Julia Roberts recounting her sexual escapades with her lover to her husbands, hell, I wanted to take a long, hot shower.

Well, I also spent the greater part of my day yesterday talking with one of my guy friends, who seems pretty upset that he can't find a broad. Well, let me explain the history between me and said friend. Two years ago, I professed my undying love to him, only to have him say that he only sees me as a friend. Well, fast forward to now, he's single after dating one of his friends and she pretty much fucked him over. Now, he's suffering from the "I'm never going to get married syndrome". I beg to differ. He's a great guy, who I wish for the life of God would see me as more than just a friend. I hate that shit. I've been in love with him since the first time I realized that I could hold an intelligent conversation with him. However, at the time I met him, he had a live in girlfriend (who was crazy as hell) and then after they broke up, the man who would become the father of my child had taken up residence in my vagina. Damn, damn, damn.

Speaking of baby daddies, mine called this weekend and left a pretty depressing message on my cell phone. Well, I don't know exactly what he said, but it sounded depressing. I'm so tired of him trying to lay this guilt trip on me. I don't feel that I'm in no way responsible for the current state of sorry life. However, there's a part of me that still wants to reach out to him. I've told him repeatedly that it's over, but he doesn't seem to get it and the strange thing is, as much as I talk about how much I hate him and wish that his foot would curl under and shit, I still have a special place in my heart for him. I don't know if it's out of pity or because I still love him. I honestly don't know. Maybe that's the reason why I can't seem to move on to someone because God knows that I have some unresolved issues with sperm donor. Well, hmmmmmm, this may very well be the case.

Anyway, sorry for the extra long post, but hell, I don't get write about much these days.

Until the next time........

Crush On You

Okay this is going to be a complete 360 from the dreary blog entry I wrote two days ago. Anyway, I realized last night that I am totally smitten with someone that I wouldn't have even envisioned myself wanting to be smitten with.

Does that make sense to y'all?

Anyway, my sudden lustful desires for him came into play when I realized that I was daydreaming about him... a lot. The sound of his voice, his full pouty lips, his unrequited love for music, his sensual poetry, his aura, the way he walks....

Oh my God! I can't believe that I am feeling this way.

Just thinking of him makes me reminiscent of the high school crushes that I used to have. It's been so long since I've felt a giggly about somebody that I don't know how to act.

I want to go to the movies with him or go for a walk through the park (especially since it's Christmas-all the purdy lights!) I want to hold his hands and swing them back and forth. I want him to read me poetry. I want to do things to him to give him something poetic to write about. I want to leave him sappy love notes. I want to call him on the phone and just listen his voice. I want wash his clothes. I want to feed him chocolate. Hell, I want to feed him my chocolate. I want to lick his fingers. I want to smell his cologne on my blouse. I want to make out with him in the back seat of his car. I want to clip his fingernails. I want to make him breakfast in bed. I want to be his breakfast in bed. I want to share a bag of hot buttery popcorn with him. I want to lick ice cream off of his belly. I want to hold his breath in mine. I want to curl up next to him in bed. I want him to call my name. I want him......

I want him
I want him
I want him

There. I said it.