Evil Thoughts and Actions

I never thought that I could be so thoughtless and shallow. Here I was judging other women who were doing the very same thing that I'm doing now and thinking to myself, how could you do this? I remember thinking the same thing about men who do the same thing. It's just all wrong. Wrong I say......

I am an evil and cruel person.

Not only am I dangling two men by the hearts, but I'm doing it so effortlessly and without a conscious. I am such and evil person. I deserve all the heartache that will come to me. I deserve to live out the rest of my life as a lonely, old bitter woman who has a large collection of cats.

Why can't I just be honest? Why can't I let SDR go? Why continue the torture that ensues?

I am being extremely unfair to Young Buck even though I don't consider us to be in a formal relationship, isn't it just plain wrong to mislead him?

Damn, things shouldn't be this complicated...........

Stay tuned for the drama as it unfolds.....

Nostalgia

I was talking to a friend today by email who asked when was I going to give Peanut a little brother or sister? Well, I wish it was that easy to just open up my legs and pop out a little kid, but, alas, it is not. As I have mentioned before, just as soon as things were heating up with me and Young Buck, it has cooled off, considerably. It was probably for the best, but my poor heart (and lips) say otherwise. I have all but told SDR to refrain from contacting me, being that he hardly calls or comes to see me, it's not really an issue of telling him to jump off into the shallow waters of Lake Minnetonka from a 30 ft diving platform. So, with all of this non action from any member of the opposite sex, it's going to be quite difficult to procreate.

I would love to have another child, hell, more importantly, I want to be a wife and a mother. It just gets so heartbreaking everytime I see someone who's married or in a committed relationship where the love is reciprocated. It really breaks my heart. What scares me is that I may never be able to share in the joy of sharing the rest of my life with someone. Peanut will eventually get older and get married and move out of the house and I'll be there alone with her pet cats that she can't take with her because her new husband is deathly allergic to them. I know I'm whining, but damn, I would just like for one relationship to work out for me. I mean one where I don't have change who I am to accommodate him, but one in which we both compromise, to make each other happy. I'm talking about we finish each other's sentences, I can feel totally comfortable around him and I don't have to apologize for using big words, and someone who can kiss, damn't, not any of this lip biting shit (oh Young Buck, your lips have spoiled me!)

I just want to cry, but I'm afraid to because I might not stop.

Anyway, I answered my friend's question by saying: "I would like to have another one soon, but I haven't been able to find a suitable mate :( Maybe I'll luck up and God will send me a good husband and father. Keep praying for me....."

Correction

Okay, I messed up.

Young Buck is cool with me, but I think in all honesty I shouldn't subject him through any of my bullshit.

Sometimes, it takes a real woman to admit that she has

gasp

Baggage.

I have a 747 load of it.

Thanks SDR. First you gave me a beautiful little girl and now you've given baggage too.

Bastard....

Dont'cha........

Dont'cha wish you hadn't posted about how great, sweet, nice, cute, etc. someone is only to find out later on down the line that they're really fucked up and you want to cut their insides out and staple them to the floor and stomp all over them?

Well, I don't want to cut Young Buck's insides out, but I damn sure want to get ahold of his tongue and set that shit on fire.

Bastard!!!!!!!!

I'm too pissed to even delve into the details of why and how. I will say that some of it's my fault, but that's irrelevant. I'll return later with the totally smoking details as to why this negro is not even allowed to even come within ten feet of my mailbox (which is located at the other end of apartment unit).

After The Love Is Gone.....

I never thought that in a million I'd be saying this but I believe I have fallen out of love with SDR.

I happened over a series of things, the most recent being his MIA status for about a week and then resurfacing. I had purged his being out of my soul and had vowed that this time it was really over. Of course I go through this binge and purge stage about every three weeks or so, but in the back of my mind I'm telling myself that hey as soon as he instant messages me, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

It never happens.

That was until I met someone new.........

Let me preface this by saying, I have had crushes, infactuations, and every other sort of secret admiration of guys for the past five years that I have been stapled down to SDR. However, the latest guy, I don't know quite how he got under the radar and penetrated the "Do Not Try to Pick up Diva 'Cause She's Waiting on SDR to Do Right" zone, but he did.

Does it matter that he's also five years my junior? No? I didn't think so either. Well, for the purposes of the blog "he" shall be referred to as Young Buck.

I don't know what it is about him that makes me want him. Well, yeah I do. He's tall and he wears glasses (I'm sucker for guys that wear glasses) and he's really laid back. I love listening to him talk. The way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me.

Yes, I've kissed him and my lips have never been happier.

He adores Peanut and according to my background check he doesn't have any priors, hasn't jumped bail, and isn't a molester. The problem is...

I don't know what to make of what it is to become of this. I don't know if I feel this way because I never knew that I could want someone else other than SDR or what. I know that in five years I haven't been with anyone else other than SDR and being with Young Buck is quite an experience. Albeit, an interesting one, but a good experience nonetheless.

I am technically still with SDR because I haven't given him his walking papers and I feel like the worst person on earth for being an adultress, but after spending Saturday night with him, it just didn't feel the same. The connection wasn't there, I kept looking out of my window to see if Young Buck left something at his friend's house and had to come back and get it. I ached for him. I would've given my left and right kidney just to see his smile. Oh, he has a gorgeous smile!

I don't know what to do..........